Why It's Important to Have Standards When Dating

Why Vivica???? Why????

Let me begin this post by clarifying, I probably have no authority on this topic because men confuse me, this is just what I've noticed and how I really feel.

So the general public is telling women, Black women in particular that our standards are set too high and that if we continue to look for a "perfect" mate then we are destined to be alone. Honestly, I really don't know anybody looking for perfection, so in general that seems like a ridiculously inaccurate statement.  I know for instance that I'm not perfect, so to seek perfection would therefore be hypocritical. I'm just looking for someone to add his 50% to my 50% (romantical isn't it?).  Alas, while I do not seek perfection I do indeed have standards, but they are no higher then the standards that I set for myself as an individual. I'll admit that I've not always stuck to those standards, and usually in the beginning, the fellow and I get along swimmingly. However, because I've lowered my standards things usually implode resulting in foolery.com In the end I usually end up kicking myself for not sticking to my standards in the first place.

Some things simply generally disgust me. Well maybe disgust is a strong word. I'll just say that for whatever reasons these particular things that some men do turn me off to the maximum power and their is a 99.99% chance that  I wouldn't respond favorably to them if approached. However, to be fair to myself, I'm sure this is true of all members of the human race when it comes to their dating lives.  Some things that I generally can't wrap my mind around are men with nappy braids ( though I do have a slight fetish for dreads :)), those who wear thong toed sandals, men who wear wet wash clothes on their heads in the summer, smokers, men with long fingernails, and men with a general dirty look about them. (Whatever that may mean.)

I know its HOT but, come on.

However, I'm not a stigler for some other things that many women are a stigler for. Guys I talk to don't necessarily need to have a college degrees. Let me be real, the majority of the college educated dudes in my age group (especially  Black men who attend my university) are diva dudes who wouldn't know chivalry or how to treat a woman if it slapped them in the face. Its like they actually buy  into W.E.B Du Bois idea of the talented tenth, and they seem to be under the illusion that they are God's gift to Black Women. SMH. But anyway back to what I was saying, I honestly don't feel that college is for everyone. Some people have the intuition and networking skills  to do what they are passionate about without it.  However, in that same vain, I also know people (not just men) who completely lack ambition and I find that sad and pathetic. I personally know that I strive to do better and better with each coming year. I also know that I would never be content living paycheck to pay check or a dead end job. (Being comfortable in my opinion means having the means to get all the important stuff taken care of with room to party, shop, travel, etc.) Therefore, I would never be compatible in the long run with someone who was comfortable living that type of lifestyle. Being open does not mean completely throwing away all of your values.

You know what else it totally horrific? BAD KISSERS (Bleech). I dated a guy for a long time who was a bad kisser, silly me I thought it would get better.....yeah it definitely didn't.  Like Samantha said in Le Sex et Le Citie,  "if his tongue just lays there then what do you think his ... is gonna do?"

I say go ahead people lets set our standards and stick with them, it'll spare all of us a bunch of hurt feelings in the end.  If you don't date women who wear weaves, or men with kids, or Black women, or White men, or people who eat meat or, New Yorkers or whatever it is that boils your blood I say let it be known. I'm sure the people who fit into those particular categories are more than happy to move on to the next one, instead of dealing with whatever particular hang ups you may have about something that they aren't gonna change in the foreseeable future.

PS. I wrote the post mostly because I attempted to contemplate talking to perhaps the hoodest dude possible in the hopes of being more open in my dating life. I tried to wrap my head around the hood jewelry, the rims on his car, the permanent black and mild on his ear. But then he gave me a pet name......Blackberry -_-. I knew I couldn't deal from that moment forward.

xoxoxoxox Chocolate Girl In the City

Why I'm Going Natural and Its Trials and Tribulations

Me and my Beloved Iggy Boy

"Grandma, your hair is kickin like Kung Fu Panda" (Iggy Boy Age 3, on seeing his Grandma's natural hair )

The creamy crack (relaxer) and I, have been in a monogamous relationship since I was twelve years old. Though my mother was hesitant, I begged and begged and I finally wore her down into letting me get a perm. Up until then, my hair was usually in french braids or micros or on special occasions, pressed and curled.

The infamous press in curl Xmas 95'

Micros

I had this idea in my head that getting my hair relaxed would somehow make it longer, or prettier, or more luxurious, or something. (IDK i was twelve, I was struggling).

Me in the Pink @ 12 yrs old. Hot mess.org

What it did however was just make me more annoyed with my hair constantly wishing it was better then it was.  I really didn't begin to understand what it meant to take care of it until my sophomore year of college (seven years later).  For the past few years there has been this movement in the Black community when it comes to women embracing their natural hair. I initially wasn't feeling it. There are crazy Black natural ninja women on You Tube who are psycho and unrelenting. Instead of talking about the positive aspects of having natural hair, they badger women who choose to put relaxer in their hair or who choose to wear weaves or wigs or whatever makes them happy. They are literally aggravating as hell, so I chose to continue to take care of my relaxed hair. However, my natural hair is very similar to how my mother's was, its not coarse at all.

MAMA (<3)

Though it's a bit difficult for me to manage because I'm not use to it, its really fairly simple to deal with it once you get the hang of it. I feel that because I have been taking fairly good care of my hair and it has yet to grow below shoulder level, that perhaps relaxer are too harsh for my hair. ( I also tend to get a bit over enthusiastic with the flat iron.) I decided to make a bold decision! I will transition my hair for a year, and see if there is any difference in the health of my hair. Since I wear sew- ins about half the time it shouldn't be a huge burden, but along the way I will be relearning my natural hair texture and if I hate it after a year then I will return to my beloved creamy crack. (Its a semi-permanent break up so to speak.) I chose not to do the big chop (cutting off all of my hair), because though I can pull off short hair I fell it may be too emotionally traumatic for me . ( And lord knows I need a break from emotional traumas.) So alas, my journey to natural has begun  (As of May 6, 2011) . I have my natural besties,  positive youtubers, my beloved weave and good products as a support system. In the end it really is just hair, and its up to each individual woman to decide what she'd personally like to do with her hair.

Here are some products that have really helped my thus far: The Shea Moisture Line

Cantu Shea Butter

Coconut Oil Wide Tooth Comb Weave :)

PS. Imma buy a box of Organics Olive Oil Relaxer just in case it gets real rough (ie. Iggy Boy comparing me to Kung Fu Panda), or if I just choose to spite some annoying ass holier then thou natural women SMH.

xoxxoxoxoxo Chocolate Girl In the City

Mid-Summer Days Blues

So, I've been in kind of a funk for the last couple of weeks or so. I think its that point in the summer where you really want to just go back to school, and live you "other life" on your own accord. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE Chicago and my friends and family but, this summer has not been the "vacation" that I hoped it would be.  SO in an effort to dig myself out of this funk, I took myself on a therapeutic shopping trip and hung out with my girlies. I think that the excessive heat and the day to day tasks that rest solely on me have really added to my irritation. My car and my phone also decided to implode around the same time. But since the weather is cooling, I've decided to put some good karma out into the world and make a list of the things that I'm most looking froward to in the coming months.

1. RETURNING TO NYC: I love New York, its a sexy ass town. Going back there means I get to return to the life that I've built for myself, and to the complete freedom that comes with living alone and making decisions solely for myself without any unwanted input for others.

2. APPLYING TO GRAD SCHOOL: Though I'm not looking forward to taking the GRE (Bleech). I am looking forward to sending off my grad school applications to Columbia, Northwestern, DePaul and of NYU. The end of undergrad is drawing near and I'm excited to see where my life will take me next.

3. INTERNING: I've only had one internship thus far, my sophomore year of college at a non-profit called New York Women In Film and Television (NYWIFT). It was a rewarding experience and it helped my narrow down what I really want to do in the film and television industry. I have a few internship applications lined up for the fall, so I hope that I will be able to snag one of them.

4. WATCH THE THRONE TOUR: If by the grace of God I can snag a ticket, I've opted out of returning home for Thanksgiving in favor of the concert. However, if I can't get one, then family and baked macaroni and cheese is always fab too.

5. MY NEW RESIDENTS: Being a RA is one of the hardest jobs I've ever had, but its also one of the best jobs, and I fell in love with my resies last year. My new ones have some huge shoes to fill, so it should be an exciting year.

6. MY NEW WEAVE:): I've ordered my fall hair and its fab:) Plus I'm always enthusiastic about weave.

Off to for a Sunday afternoon BBQ with the fam BTW if you haven't seen Crazy, Stupid, Love IDK what you're doing with your life <3

I  would have the man's children, like for real <3

xoxoxoxox Chocolate Girl In the City

Things I've Learned Since Turning 21

So I finally turned twenty-one this past Wednesday, an event I've been waiting on for as long as I can remember. My actual birthday was pretty chill, I worked my nine to five and got lots of hugs from little children because I wore a ridiculous birthday crown/headband on my head that my baby cousins Ari and  Iggy boy picked out at the dollar store for me last year. After work, I headed home to freshen up and then off to my cousins house for pizza, family time and a Smirnoff Ice. (Yes, I realize that many of you reading this are horrified that this was my drink of choice on my actual 21st BDAY. My bestie expressed her disgust and horror during the moment but whatevs, I had to work the next day and that green apple flavor tasted delicious with Giordanos). The next day I saw the 12:10 am showing of Harry Potter with my sister and daddy, but Saturday was the day I looked forward to the most. I got off of work early that day and headed to the spa to get some girly mantiance  (Now I never go anywhere looking busted but, since I work outside with children all day, my Carrie Bradshaw swag has been some what lacking this summer). 7:30pm I met the fam and a couple of friends at Uncle Julio's for some delicious food and my real birthday drink, "The Swirl" (A layered drink of frozen margarita and sangria). After some antics that could only happen when my family is around, me, my bestie and the lovely Elisa, stepped out for a night on the town. Of course I drank too much too quickly (though I was warned), so I felt a bit sickish at the beginning of the night, but after awhile I got it together and we went dancing at a club and then over to a delightful bar with delightful air conditioning. I ended the night fairly early, arriving home at 3:30ish. I woke up this morning slightly hungover and I had a freak out because I was convinced that I had lost my licence the night before. (It was in the passenger's seat of my car). But I got myself together and me, sissy and my two cousins hauled our asses to Olympia Field's for my baby cousin's 8th birthday party (it was a SPLASH theme). As I scarfed down, nachos and an Italian sausage in my hangover haze, I reflected on what I had learned in the few days since turning 21 and I came up with the following:

1. AIN'T NOTHIN' CHANGED BUT THE DAY IT IS: My lovely Auntie B.B. called me on my actual Bday and left me a voice message that said something along the lines of "Happy Birthday Arami, I hope you're having a great day. I know you probably don't feel any different since you done did everything that a grown person would do." LOL I couldn't disagree because this is indeed the truth. The only difference is that I don't have to be paranoid about doing hood rat things with my friends since I am free and clear to do what I please.

2. I'M NOT A CLUB PERSON: Let me clarify, I use to think I was a homebody but that's not actually  the case, I'm simply not a club person. Though I had a good time at the club, I much preferred the night before and the dinner with the fam at Uncle Julio's. The night before, I had cocktails and chicken wings with my girlfriends at my besties house. We watched Katt Williams, Kevin Hart and the Chappelle Show. It was epic fun. I'm a people person and I love to converse with people sober or not.  In the club you can't hear shit and if the music ain't right you have to force yourself to dance. I'm much more of an bar, event, lounge, house party, small gathering type of gal. (Plus the attire worn at the club offends me to no end.)

3. DRUNK GIRLS IN THE BATHROOM WHO LOVE YOUR OUTFIT ARE THE BEST PART OF THE CLUB: After drinking my drink too fast, I headed to the bathroom upon arriving at the club. When I came out of the stall I was feeling a bit better, as I was washing my hands a very cute, very drunk girl squealed when she saw my shoes, and she went on and on about them and my outfit for about 10 mins. Though my stomach was still a bit queasy, she and her friends being super nice and friendly helped me get over it and over myself.

4. I DON'T LIKE MEN THAT EVERY ONE ELSE LIKES: Let me begin by saying that I have a fetish for Rick Ross. It all began with his verse in "Devil in A New Dress on Kanye's BDTF. My delight and lust for the delicious man caused my bestie to slave away making me a poster full of pictures of him that will be hanging over my bed in my dorm room this year. *****Snapping Back to Reality****** There's a delicious bouncer at the club we went to by the name of Big Mike. My bestie met him last month when she was there for her 21st and was delighted by his largeness and general sexxiness. When my flyy friend Paij saw him she wanted to know if he had a twin, brother or friend for her.  I therefore had geared up and had been waiting  to see him. When I did however finally see him, drunk women were throwing themselves at him as he stood their awkwardly. All attraction that I might have had towards him quickly faded. I'm always disgusted when women throw themselves at men, and though rationally I know it wasn't his fault (he was being paid to stand there after all). I was disgusted by him and refused to speak to him.

5. MEN COULD REALLY CARE LESS HOW MUCH GAS COST WHEN THEY'RE ON THE PROWL: One of the highlights of the night was walking the few blocks back to the car when we left the club on the way to the bar.  My girls and I chatted up roughly 8 men in the 3 and a half block walk to the car, Three of them literally put their cars in reverse when they rolled past us,  claiming that they would be going wherever we ended up. Like I said, I'm a people person, so I was delighted to  humor them. One 35 year old man declared in a very corny manner to my bestie that he'd chosen her. Me, Elisa, and ole boy he was driving with literally laughed in his face, he laughed too because he knew how ridiculous he sounded. I also obtained a free CD, gave out my number, scolded a man for smoking,  and ridiculed a nineteen year old boy for wearing a hair bonnet in public. ( Yes, this all occurred in 3 and a half blocks).

6. THE PEOPLE WHO ARE SUPPOSE TO BE THERE ALWAYS SHOW UP (OR CALL OR TXT, OR COMMENT OR SOMETHING): I guess I still feel some type of way about this but I'm a Cancer so I'm sensitive. It's pretty self explanatory so I shan't elaborate. SMH being annoyed its part of the reason i drank too fast.

7. I'M IN DENIAL ABOUT HARRY POTTER ENDING: My sissy and daddy, we basically losing their shiz over the final movie, rushing me down Lake Shore Drive, rushing my parking at the theater and then making me get all the refreshments at the show. Harry Potter has been such a major part of my life (since I was eight years old), that I refuse to think about it being over and instead, I shall begin reading all of the book over in the next few weeks.

8. DEMETRIA L. LUCAS IS THE BOMB.COM: So I heard about this amazing woman on VerySmartBrothas  and I had seen her face on Essence. I discovered her blog A Belle In Brooklyn and I begged sissy to get me her book by the same name for my bday. I'm nearly finished with the book and I'm convinced that Ms. Lucas is one of the flyyest, most real women ever. I swiftly emailed her since one of my goals now is to stalk her life when I return to NYC.

9. CHILDREN'S BIRTHDAY PARTIES ARE FUN AS HELL : I had a delightful time today in the 90 degree weather. I hauled my size ten booty up a children's blow up water slide in my auntie's backyard and slid down falling out of the slide and onto the grass. I gossiped with my fam, screamed, laughed, ate, ate some more, ate cake and ice cream, played with babies and kids and had an epic time. I hope I never get to "cool" for such events.

So these are the things that I've learned and discovered about myself in the four days that I've been 21. I guess your twenties are about finding out exactly who you are, and this is me.  I'm currently laying in my bed and I've popped in Love Jones for the trillionth time. I mean this face never gets old.

When is a man gonna cook me a cheese omelet? (Just for reference I like ham and bell peppers in it too, with a cup of coffee, cream and sugar.) Goodnight Love Bugs xoxoxoxo Chocolate Girl In the City xoxoxoxoxox

You Change and You Grow, But We Were Young And We Didn't Know. (Why Being Single Is Ok and Sometimes Necessary)

My bestie JanellofALife and I have this reoccurring conversation on occasion about the single life and what it means to be in meaningful relationships. I'm going to say meaningful because, most of the time in your 20's you're just discovering who you are, and the people that you date during that time help define who you are. (I'm not saying that you can't find "the one" at this age, because I know a couple of happy married couples that are my age, but really what is the rush?) When I was sixteen I met a boy, and that boy changed everything for me. Looking back now it was only eight months out of my life, but through that intense and very blinding haze  I loved him and he loved me back). It ended as quickly as it began. just like most teenage love affairs but, my world will be forever shifted by that my first real relationship. Now I've had one other relationship since then, that to be honest is not worth mentioning and I've dated a couple of guys in between. But the majority of the last five years I've spent being single and I think because of that, I feel like I've gotten to know exactly who I am without anyone clouding my judgement. I have always been a firm believer in taking some time to be alone after the end of any relationship. I think its important to heal and evaluate what occurred in that relationship. I also think this time alone, prevents you from jumping back into something intense with the any fool that smiles your way.  I'm not going to sit here and pretend that being single  is all fun and games, of course it gets lonely and even dull. But embracing it can be very exciting. You can "do you" as they say without worrying what your partner might think. I thinking dating different types of people without a serious commitment is also very important. Honestly, I feel that society is trying to panic everyone into finding the perfect mate, but, you twenties should really be all about you, your career, education, travel etc. The majority of people I know my age in a serious relationship are continually going through some drama that makes my head hurt to just think about it,. Whatever happened to just having fun? Whatever happened to getting to know someone? The thing I realized and that my mama was always trying to tell me is that though relationships are work, no one should be making you feel bad and you should be happy or at the very least content 98% of the time. If  you're not happy really what are you doing? The point is I guess that at this age we're still growing and changing, you damn well better be sure that you're with someone who has the same ambition as you. Someone who can grow and change with you. I'm sorry for this sappy ass blog post, I've clearly been watching too much One Tree Hill and listening to too much Adele but, I think that if eventually (like in your late twenties and thirties) you want to end up with this amazing person then embrace your life right now do what makes you happy whether its with someone who can go on that journey with you or if you're attempting to navigate through your life by yourself. Nobody can fix you, you have to fix yourself.  It's 2011, we having a pretty decent life expectancy so why rush?

My Top Priorities For the Next Five Years

1. Graduate NYU 2. Grad School 3. My Own Apartment/Condo 4. Job I Love 5. Go to Paris 6. Louboutins

So Now All Black Women Are Angry?

I saw a status on facebook this morning on my way to work. It read, "Great, another angry black woman on the train...just what I need." I decided then and there that the "angry black woman" subject was something I wanted to discuss. To be real i don't know any "angry" Black women and I know ALOT of Black women. I've come across some bitter people in my time but bitterness is universal there is nothing racial about it. It disturbed me to read this status because it was written by a young Black male  whose mother probably raised him. It seems to me that because he had one poor encounter with a Black women, as soon as he sees one that may be having a less than stellar day he labels all of us as bitter and angry. Let me just say that I definitely don't consider myself to be angry or even bitter.  I will say, that I have felt bitter at certain points in my life but I've been through a lot so I think that I had a right to those moments. It seems to me that men, like the particular guy who wrote the status, either don't like when women stick up for themselves or they've sadly brought into the media's and Tyler Perry's stereotypes of Black women. (Obviously these are characters). Instead of admitting that their male pride was threatened because a woman (possibly a Black women) said something they did not like or agree with they choose to place all Black women in the same category.

Later at work I had another disturbing encounter that tested the "angry black woman" theory on me personally. We were at the beach and the weather was gradually getting worse. The head of  the lifeguards at the beach (who was a 45 year old Black man) approached me and a coworker to ask who was running the event. I politely pointed out the man who was running it, and I attempted to reassure the lifeguard man that we were not letting any children go near the water. Before I could even finish what I was saying the man stuck his hand in my face (yes this grown ass man who was all of 5 ft tall gave me the "talk to the hand") and ran off to my male co-worker. Flabbergasted, I stood there in shock with my hands on my hips and my mouth open. I chose not to be unprofessional and yell at the man, but when he approached me again I surely walked away. This would not have been the reaction of choice for many other women no matter what their race. No one has a right to disrespect another person in that manner, being disrespected can very well warrant an angry response, that does not mean that someone has an "angry". I would say to that person with this particular status, it is well known that you prefer women of different races and that is totally your right and your choice. However, please do not give black women labels to simply justify your actions. Be with who you want to be with, but grow some balls and realize that women will stick up for themselves in whatever fashion they feel is necessary. Or maybe you should open your horizons and begin meeting different types of women from different types of backgrounds. Its your own fault if you stay in the same few square miles, of course you're going to continue to see the same characters.

People come from many different circumstances and many of them have reasons to be upset with things that have occurred in their lives. It takes a lot of strength and work to be a positive person the majority of the time, and its something you work at on a daily basis

I'm not gonna post a bitter status like "here come some bum ass Black dude tryna talk to me" every time one does because all Black men aren't bums so I'm not going to imply that they are.

Why I'm Possibly One Of The Most Dramatic People You WIll Ever Meet

I pondered this blog topic as I raced to my bestie's house on Sunday evening so that I wouldn't miss Chris Brown's performance at the BET awards. To my sheer disdain when I arrived I had missed Breezy,  and the insufferable Alicia Keys was singing off key as she stood on top of her piano. My disgust for Ms. Keys does not actually stem from her music; Songs in A Minor and Diary were classics. It has to do with the whole Swizz Beats/ Moshanda drama. Now I will admit that everything the public hears about celebrity situations are hearsay, but for some reason whether its true or not, Alicia stooping to the level of potential homewrecker disgusted me to no end and I turn the channel whenever her music is played.  (Yet I'm now probably more obsessed with Chris Brown then I was before the incident.)

Things Fall Apart: I don't deal with stress or being overwhelmed in the best way. Instead of dealing with my issues I can usually be found hibernating in my room watching endless hours of Elliot Stabler on SVU, or Carrie, Miranda, Samantha and Charlotte on Sex and the City. For example, the night of the BET awards I arrived home to my abode around 2am. After stumbling up to my room I realized that the ceiling in the room next to mine had collapsed and what stood before me was vast amount of itchy roofing material. My mind literally could not conceive what was happening, so instead I froze and simply stood there in horror for about ten minutes before my mind was able to tell my body to move.

Me & Crackberry: Living without my Blackberry is like being sucked into a black hole of death :(. A few weeks after I returned home from NYC to the Chi, I dropped my Blackberry in a puddle. It worked fine for about an hour and then it died. It was a devastating loss, and I had to wait 24hrs to get another one (for free :)). This new phone that AT&T gave me constantly freezes  and causes me to seriously consider chucking it across the room about one million times a day. I know its just a phone but, if I pay for it why should I have to go without it for even a second. Dramatic I know.

Looking Flyy: I already discussed in previous blogs that I like to go to regular ass places getting my Carrie Bradshaw on. Because of this bougie little habit, when I have to go out looking regular as hell, I'm usually offended when people want to talk to me.  Example: Today I had to stop at the grocery store to get my Daddy some milk on my way home from work. Mind you, I had on my horrid park district shirt (no its not yellow), some shorts and some converse (my sole pair of gym shoes). I had been outside playing with children all day so you can infer how I was looking. I parked my car and attempted to run into the store as quickly as possible with my shades still on.  Instead I was interrupted from my undercover operation by "Wassup Black, That's A Nice Skin Tone You Have. Let Me Give You My Card". I'm sorry when was any of this ever acceptable and when did women start calling men???!!!! But alas that's neither here nor there but men will approach you when you look as busted as possible. As you have probably assumed he got my signature side eye from under my shades as I rushed in the store before anyone on 71st street could recognize me. (Dramatic I know, luckily I wasn't hungry because he would've really been insulted.)

The  2001 Mercury Sable: I've previously discussed my hatred of driving and since I was nearly killed on Tuesday morning by a #14 Jeffery Express bus, I shall go into no further detail.

Le Cinema: I must be on time for movies. I am not one of those Black people that can just wonder up to the show and catch whatever movie is playing around the time I arrive. I CAN'T STAND THAT. As a cinema studies student, half of the fun of going to movies for me is seeing the previews. This is dramatic I realize but, if I miss the previews I'm going to have a tude.

Weave Snobbery: Just another one of my bougie little habits, my love for weave  has spawned a love for virgin tresses (whether is Indian, Brazilian, whatever.) This means that I rarely buy hair from the beauty supply store. Standing in line once at the infamous Wigs Plus on 71st, a lady asked me where I'd gotten my hair from and how much I spent. When I told her she looked horrified and applaud, she even ridiculed me for spending so much. I politely smiled and nodded but I deeply wanted to say you can put that $10 pack of 14inch in your hair if you want to. Just don't be mad when you're real hair falls out underneath cuz you got a scalp infection from itching up a storm. I didn't say such a thing of course because that would have been rude.

I LOVE Black Movies (And TV): I Love them, I will say Tyler Perry is questionable at times but I'll still watch them (perhaps just on Netflix) and I'm always offended by anyone who thinks that they are unnecessary or stereotypical all the time. Just because you haven't heard  of something or don;t understand a reference. does not mean it does not exisit. I've had many a dramatic argument over this.

xoxoxox Chocolate Girl In the City

Flip Flops Are Not Shoes and Other Things That I Believe With All My Heart

How my sissy and I feel about nearly everything in life :) (Photo from her tumblr)

1. FLIP FLOPS ARE NOT SHOES: There was once a time I shall admit, when I wore flip flops just like any other person. I would wear them out of the house, to the mall, to dinner, etc. But that was when I was 14. Seven years later, I can honestly say, I've worn flip flops only around my house (dorm), and to the beach, and other pool areas. There are so many beautiful shoes to be worn. (Check out endless.com and shoedazzle.com, two of my favorite shoe places).  Why then people, are we wearing impossibly thin slices of rubber on our feet that give us no arch support and are about as sexy as an farting old man.  Yes, I shall admit they are comfortable, but so is my large pink bonnet that i wear on my head at night and I don't subject anybody but my family to that. (Also, I own exactly one pair of gym shoes which I wear to the gym and/or my summer job which requires me to be outside all day. YOU WILL NEVER SEE ME WITH THEM ON ANY WHERE ELSE.)

2. I WILL NOT HAVE CHILDREN FOR AT LEAST 10 PLUS YEARS: I love children ....for about one hour, then their cuteness dissipates and they become annoying slobbering blobs. I shall be honest, I'm selfish I like to shop, sleep, and do what I want to do when I want to do it such as hoodrat things with my friends. Children ruin all of my favorite things and their strollers block the good makeup aisle in Sephora, Props to all those women who have, love, and care for their little ones. Just don't drop them off at my house.

3. DRIVING IS "FOR THE BIRDS" SMH: There are little activities I hate more than driving. Let me give you some background. I was a late bloomer when it came to driving. I got my license a few days before my 18th birthday and only really started driving seriously last summer. I'm a halfway decent driver but I seriously cant deal with traffic, the stop and go, paying for gas, and the other numerous ridiculous things that come with having a license and a vehicle. I'll be a passenger in some other person's ride any day.

4. THE SITCOM FRIENDS IS POSSIBLY THE DULLEST THING THAT EVER CAME ON TV: Its about as boring and as unfunny as possible, none of the characters are likeable and there was about one black person on there the entire ten years it was on the air.

5. MEN ARE IMPOSSIBLE TO UNDERSTAND: I understand that everything they do is motivated by their pursuit of the panties, but I'm still at a loss for what goes on in their heads.

6. DRESSING UP TO GO TO REGULAR ASS PLACES MAKES LIFE INFINITELY MORE FUN: This is basically my mantra and the mantra of my besites. I'm not quite sure how we came up with it but alas, my bestie describes such an occasion on her blog JanellofALife. Apparently I'm the worst when it comes to this as I've taken to ridiculing people who look extra regular and choose to wear things like flip flops and large white tees into decent places. Mostly its possibly because I'm bougie as hell which I admit at all times.

7. MEN OVER THE AGE OF 18 SHOULD NOT HAVE BRAIDS: I shall start by saying that this is a particular preference of mine so you are free to disagree. I just don't understand how you expect to go to work and have people  take you seriously looking like a ten year old boy. I'm also turned off by any man who take more time with his appearance then I do, and who is more high maintenance then I. SMH I'm the one with the ovaries.

8. AT ANY MOMENT,  YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO BE ALONE WITH YOURSELF & LIKE THE COMPANY THAT YOU KEEP: I think as human beings we are constantly searching for someone to be there next to us whether its a significant other, child, parent, whatever. I think because of this and because of society, people forget to learn who they are as individuals and they become absorbed in some other person's life.  Knowing exactly who you are and being true to that, is one of the best things you can do for yourself. Having any type of relationship that is worthwhile, healthy and meaningful will only come out of that deep understanding. Do things for yourself, have something that you love to do and as Very Smart Brothas said, "don't be infecting the dating game with your uninteresting ass e coli".

9. MY MAMA WAS THE BEST PERSON I'VE EVER MET: My mama passed away last summer from breast cancer. Its so weird when you're young, you think that your parents are invincible. As you grow older, you learn that they are only human like the rest of us. My mama taught me everything I know about life, being a woman, loving myself and the list goes on. One of the best things she ever said to me was, " when someone shows you their ass you pay attention and remember that is exactly who they are, and that's how they will always be." She also told me that fat meat was greasy, and gave me and my sister "ghetto" names that she use to holler out in the grocery store. (Mine was Cokeitha) LOL. I love you Mama

10. THE MAJORITY OF PEOPLE (BESIDES FAMILY) ARE IN YOUR LIFE FOR SEASONS: In grade school when I came home everyday, I use to tell my mama what happened that day, and when I described people I use to say "my friend such and such". My mama use to say, "Girl don't you know everybody is not your friend." No truer words were ever spoken. I only have a few true friends and those people know who they are. Tryna turn you ratchet (but very fun) acquaintances into your friends is a grave mistake. You tell these tricks one thing and the next thing you know everybody and their babymama knows your business. Unacceptable.com Have fun with these people but discuss nothing  except what happened on the Kardashians last week.

11. WORKING ON SATURDAYS IS THE DEVIL: So my summer job schedule  is Tuesdays- Saturdays from 9-5 (except for this and next weekend when I have to work until seven BLEECH) Saturdays are meant for sleeping until one pm, lounging about in your nuddy pants, eating more then the allotted calories for the day, speeding your check at H&M, catching up on the tv you missed during the week, and MARGARITAS. Work should never be involved.

Just a few of my philosophies on life

xxoxoxoxoxoxox Chocolate Girl In the City

"Instead of A Cougar She's A Saber Tooth Tiger" and other Foolishness that Occurs at Family Barbeques

Yesterday, my little sister, bestie and I hauled our bottoms out to the burbs for my cousins husbands annual barbeque birthday bash. They are always hilarious, our families as well as their work family comes together for a twelve hour long shindig. The afternoon started off in rare form of course. I missed my exit on the expressway and a 20-30 min ride turned into an hour and a half extravaganza of my sister and  I wanted to stab one another in some sort of 18th century duel. But alas all was well, we found our way to our location and by then I was in dire need of a drink. My beloved three -year baby cousin Iggy boy was munching on an m&m cookie when we arrived, and I asked him to go and get me one. The fooleery that is my life began when he returned with a horrid dry ass oatmeal raisin cookie in the palm of his grubby hand. (Why are oatmeal raisin cookies even made? They taste like death.) After eating the dry cookie to appease the poor babe, the bestie and I made our way to the garage where the food was being served, And to our dismay there he was "The Runnin Man" from K-Town, or at least that's what he told us. A self-proclaimed ladies man who decided it was his duty to be as creepy as possible for the rest of the evening. Upon entering the garage he promptly stared at both of us individually as he looked us up and down. But this wasn't even the worst part, in the heat of the 80 degree weather, this fool had on a three piece leather suit (he'd taken of the jacket to reveal only a leather vest underneath, no shirt -_-) with red gator shoes and a playboy bunny phone case. The man was so ridiculous that we laughed in his face as he went on and on about his escapades with women. The most horrid part was the realization that this man actually took himself seriously, he even forced us to take a picture (luckily he cut my head off in the photo). My other cousin told him that if he took her picture she was gonna punch him in the head. LOL. We spent the rest of the evening avoiding him like the plague.  After the rest of my family arrived (3-4 hours late) HIGHlarity ensued. We watched a portion of the show Single Ladies (peep that on VH1 if you haven't already, I swear every black actress, actor and  celebrity is on there and the storyline are pretty good), and we ooggled at Stacy Dash's beauty, As my cousin said don't hate "the bitch is fine". We discovered that the only way to tell her age was to look at her neck. LMAO. (But really whose focusing on necks these days?) We also reminisced on the days when one of my cousins use to date a girl with "shark teeth" and how the rest of my cousins use to sing the JAWS theme song whenever she would come around LOL (I never said my family was nice). The topic of conversation shifted to one of my uncles who has an 80 year old "lady friend". My other uncle (who has bug antennas tattooed on his forehead) said "Instead of A Cougar She's A Saber Tooth Tiger" OMG let me tell you after a few jello shots that was about the funniest thing I've ever heard in life. I love to hang out with my family, though we aren't perfect we always find a way to have a good time. When I'm at school for months at a time  I realize just how much I love and miss them. After cracking on my uncle's new perm (which makes him look like a crackhead who just entered into the pimping game without enough cash to keep his hair up. Yes its the same uncle with the antenna tattoos) and sneaking my piece of my Auntie B.B. highly coveted pound cake (which has been fought over on numerous occasions). I headed home (this time in the right direction), with my sister and my bestie in tow, stomach full (jerk chicken, ribs, spaghetti, italian sausage,  macaroni and cheese, shrimp, my mama's famous dip made by me, green beans, popsicles, corn, etc) with a smile on my face. I think that wherever your family is, is home. And as my mama use to say, "Home is where you're loved the most" I hope everyone else had a lovely father's day weekend.

xoxoxoxo Chocolate Girl In the City **** Time to eat my Auntie B.B. Cake :)*******

Why I Hate Sleepovers and Ketchup Among Other Things

So yesterday, around 1am I was lounging in my bed eating a bowl of cream of wheat and a reheated grands biscuit from breakfast while watching Law and Order: Criminal Intent. (Don't judge I know I'm weird.) Anywhoo, my besties texted me, they were enthralled in one of the Harry Potter flixs at a sleepover and they yelled at me for not being there as I DETESTE sleepovers with all of my might. I promise you I will find a way to get home no matter what the hour or the weather before I willingly spend the night at someone else's home. Why do you ask? Well let me start from the beginning. My parents as lovely as they are, forbid me to attend sleepovers in my childhood, just like it was forbidden to watch television on the weekdays and PG-13 movies before I was actually thirteen. Back in the day (the 1990's), I would go to a sleepover and my mama would pick me up just as the other girls were falling asleep. I use to beg and cry and scream and shout and talk about how my life sucked pre-teen angst etc etc. But I got over it eventually. Once I entered high school, the life long ban on sleepovers was lifted, but by then I had no desire to go anyway. I much preferred my own bed, with my bowls of cream of wheat and lipton tea along with my episodes of Dawson's Creek and Soul Food. On very very rare occasions I am forced out of my comfort zone but that usually means I spend the entire night awake in someone else's bed, counting down the hours until I can make an excuse to go home. That my friends is why I hate sleepovers.

Ketchup is also just very foul and nasty and I'm not sure why people subject themselves to it. The same can be said for Gweneth Paltrow, Keri Hilson and Kate Hudson (I really don't understand their purpose in the world). But mayonnaise on the other hand it quite DELISH <3 Whatever tickles your pickle I suppose. xoxoxox Chocolate Girl In the City

If Chivalry is Dead then I'm Embracing the Single Life

Because these are my last days off before my summer job begins on Monday, I was lounging around and reading old posts from my favorite blog Very Smart Brothas If you haven't checked them out then do it NOW you NEED THIS IN YOUR LIFE. Anywhoo this particular post was about the dreaded diva dude which I'm sure every woman of dating age no matter what race has had the misfortune of coming across. (Peep the Post) Though the entire post was HIGHlarious as usual. I was most interested in bullet point number five. "They are not chilvourous and proud of it". I'm sorry when did this come the norm. Perhaps because Nightline and fools like Steve Harvey continually tell Black women we need to adjust ourselves if we expect to get a ring on it, when clearly numbers wise we seem to be the ones with our lives together, ring or no ring. (And for that matter I know many young Black couples who are married) But that's another discussion for another day. Some dudes now a days act like you expecting them to take you out for a decent meal is like asking for a kidney, their life savings, mama's address and last name. Really dude? You asked me out I was simply expecting some crab cakes from red lobster and maybe a sprite. Let me set the record straight, I have a job I work very hard and can afford to take myself out whenever I wish but if I am invited out a date I expect a man to at least cover the meal. ( Don't get me wrong, I'm going to be polite and reach for my wallet I'm definatly not stuck up or snobby but I got all dressed up to go Dutch? SMH I dont think so. I could've ordered a pizza and watched Love Jones) Going DUTCH is NOT A DATE especially on the first outing (Yes I realize that this is a recession but dudes need to learn to be creative with their money, ever heard of asking a woman out for just dessert? Or maybe go out to dinner and rent a movie from Netflix instead of spending $12.50/person on the show) I bring this subject up because this dude I talked to years ago had been texting me talking about how he wanted to see me so bad etc (side eye). I'm like cool we can go to dinner. He then precedes to text 50/50? I'm like negative. He goes "you just a friend". (Barely) But, the fact of the matter is I'm still a woman and you the one tryna see me. After he called me cheap I promptly told him I was more than happy to take myself out whenever I wished he told me to go then and I told him that I would. (Yes I know a waste of my good unlimited txt msg plan). A week later after not hearing from me he txt me threatening to delete my number. Which he probably did, but whatever. Maybe I'm crazy but thats crazy ridiculous. Dudes barely get out the car and ring the damn bell or open doors anymore. I do realize that all men are not like this, the last dude I dated was really cool and very chivalrous and we're still cool now which I appreciate. Maybe its true and its hard out here for women these days but I'm def not gonna lower my standards cuz you a fool or some naive woman (yes I was naive once too, let you get away with your foolywag). As verysmartbrothas so wonderfully stated, part of being a grown man (and a grown woman) is doing the right thing without any expectation of acknowledgment or reward. DELAYED GRATIFICATION= MATURITY. Therefore I will not be going out with any of these fools and other single women I hope you don't either because like me I'm sure you can head over to the Cheesecake Factory with your girls and order your stuffed chicken enchiladas with a sprite any time you wish.

Embracing the Bikini

Let me start of by saying, prior to last week the last time I wore a bikini I did not have breasts. And I've had a sizable cup size for damn near a decade. I relized after dragging myself back to NYC after a five week long winter break in January that I had gained a few pounds around my midsection. NOT CUTE.edu (Tamar Braxton). I've never been one whose worked out on a regular because quite frankly I don't like it and i don't care to sweat out my hairs. But it was time to put my big girl panites on, be an adult and put my health first. I began my journey with Yoga 3-5 times a week and after a little over a month of this I began doing cardio and strength training videos in my room and I must say it paid off. I was looking good and feeling good working out for about 45mins a day up to six times a week. This lasted of course until the end of May when I returned home to my beloved Chi City. (I actually do have an excuse I had an allergic reaction and my skin is still a bit irritated so sweating right now would set me off into an itching frenzy. But that is neither here nor there.) Anyways the girlies and I hauled our asses to the beach and had a wonderful time. Sadly because the bikini has been worn and I look halfway decent in a bit of the Motivation has passed :( I promise i'm going to jump back on the bandwagon as soon as this rash has cleared completely. Anyway I got in the bikini and that was my goal so I'm quite pleased. BTW I really have no excuse i get workout tapes for free on NETFLIX instant and i have a weave in my head. Smh Oh well tis the life xoxoxo Chocolate Girl

Hair

As a Black woman I think that I, like other Black women hold the sole authority on our hair and any subject regarding our hair whether its going natural, chemical application, weaves etc. Even when Black men begin to get too invested and opinionated with regards to our hair it becomes a sticky situation and usually means that their gonna get the side eye from me. Let me just go ahead and say it. I AM A WEAVE-AHOLIC I love me some weave 12-14 inches curly, wavy or straight Indian, Brazilian, or Malaysian. I am also relaxed and shall remain that way indefinitely. This is not to say that I am against natural hair. I think that natural hair is freakin GORGEOUS two of my besties are rocking their natural hair and i must say honey it is FIERCE. I had my natural hair until I was 12 years old and ever since then ive been bathing my tresses in a chemical bath of relaxer. Admittedly, I do have some personal hair issues. My mama (may she rest in peace, I love you mommy) always had long gorgeous hair before she got sick and I just never had the luxury of having that. No one in my immediate family ever really knew how to take care of hair very well so I basically rocked hella french braids in my childhood, I graduated to microbraids and then to kinky twist, put the creamy crack in and then in college I discovered the sew in weave. I am in no way embarrassed by my "real" hair. I take very good care of it, its a nice grade and its usually between shoulder and neck length. But to be real, its just not my swag. I let my "real" hair swing free for about a month or so every time I take out a weave but I must admit I'm always anxious to braid it up again. Weaves just make me feel good, i like them and they stay looking right so I'm personally offended by anyone who attacks me or any other woman for choosing to wear them. This especially rings true when it comes to Black men who act like weave offends them. Or who try to convince their significant other not to do what makes her happy (can you say CONTROL issues). Everyone of course is entitled to their preferences and opinions. I personally do not think grown men should rock braids but, if that's their swag then go for it i'm certainly not going to attack the brother or try and change him, My preferences is simply for dudes with fades. It also confuses me when other women attack one another for doing what they want with their OWN hair. Frankly its not your damn business and your focus should only be whats atop your own hair. All this is just to say that it is JUST HAIR, nothing more, nothing less. I watched my mama lose all of her hair to breast cancer, all of that beautiful hair that i admired all of my life. But you know what? My mama was still Fierce bald head and all (she refused to wear wigs she said they made her hot...literally). I'm going to end this post by recommending Chris Rock's Good Hair. I know some Black women were offended by what he said in the film. Personally I dont understand why, its really not that serious and I thought it was HIGHliarious. Whatever you want to do with your hair just make sure you look damn good doing it xoxox Chocolate Girl In the City