3:23 a.m. On nights like these when I cannot sleep, I lay awake remembering girlhood giggles and idols long dead and buried. My heart feels restless and unsettled as I toss and turn -- desperately hoping for a better tomorrow. And yet, my most fervent prayers seem to be slipping further away, stolen by foolish men consumed with greed and power as we are left to suffer alone, screaming out in anguish into the still night sky.
xoxox Chocolate Girl in the City xoxox
It’s hot. I can feel the steam rising from the cracked Harlem sidewalks as I pad slowly down the street in my pearl covered slides, thick thighs rubbing together, and a cold brew clutched in my right fist. Usually, the heat makes me smile. The thick air and unending sunshine feel like a familiar blanket. I basque in it all like a hug from one of my aunties at Christmas time -- brown skin glittering with shea butter and tea tree oil. I feel safe on my near-daily walks to the coffee shop. My neighborhood is fairly quiet during the day, and I'm temporarily shielded from a world in turmoil --of a painful and devastating news cycle that is continuously on the verge of snatching my sanity. I feel guilty for lingering in my comfy bubble of warmth and love -- but it keeps me sane, so I won't quite apologize for it. Every year, I wait anxiously, bogged down under long leggings and a wool coat for the long lazy days of summer. Born in the middle of July, I've always risen in summer, something in me that lays dormant the rest of the year comes alive, and I feel lighter, freer and more like myself. This summer is different. Lately, I've been longing for a breeze. That crisp crack of fall air touching my skin, the multicolored leaves in the park across the street from my apartment reminding me that things have changed, that time has passed and that I've grown or become wiser in some way. But I don't know that I have.
As I turn the corner to my apartment, sweat dripping from the naps at my neck, a young girl is standing there, all limbs and big grins doing cartwheels and backflips on the concrete -- she's confident and assured, and I desperately yearn to feel that way.
xoxo Chocolategirl In the City xoxoxo
Photo Credit: Bernard von Eichman
On a warm evening in early September, we said goodbye. I stood outside of my apartment building clinging to you, desperate to memorize your scent and the way your body felt molded against mine. All those months earlier, I'd jumped out of an Uber in the middle of a rainstorm in Harlem, nonchalant and unexpecting. You "got" me from the jump, your sexy stoic nature, matching my whimsical and often outlandish one. Over Sylvia's Soul Food right off of 125th street, I felt my soul reconnecting with an old friend. I was so floored by that feeling that I told you then, on that first date (never one to hold much back) and you laughed, taking no offense because you inherently understood. Long winding walks through the Bronx zoo, pizza and Disney flicks, and milkshakes. The reverence that you showed me and my brown skin, kisses at 4 am, back rubs and black silk sheets and so much freedom to speak; to be me. I floated through those long sticky days; secret smiles a constant on my face.
I've always thought summer had magical qualities, (perhaps it's because I was born in the middle of July), and that proved true because it brought me you. As I sit in silence now, the scent of my zillion candles wafting through my apartment, I can still see you and hear you; as if your arms were still around me. That loud laughter that you always inspired; bubbling up inside of me begging to be released; desperate to be released.
That's the thing about flings, though; they exist in a magical snow globe of sorts; encasing you in protectively from the world as all of that marvelous joy swirls around you. But inevitably you shake the globe too hard and the glass cracks, splintering up the sides until it shatters completely; leaving you bare and exposed; but wistful and longing nonetheless.
xoxoxo Chocolate Girl in the City xoxoxoxo
Image: 20th Century Fox/Carmen Jones
 |
| The woman is literally old as dirt |
Like many young people who live away from home, I ventured back to the city I love for a little "Rest and Relaxation" and family time this Christmas break. I'd been so nuts this semester that I hadn't really stayed in touch with my family like I should have and I missed them. Now I don't know how your fam does it, but ever since I can remember we've always celebrated together as a big group on Christmas eve. (The 25th is a day strictly for your immediate family) Anywhoo, sister and I arrived over my auntie's house with a pan of my mama's prized dip and a cardboard box full of gifts (being the generous gals that we are). Going over to my aunts is a new tradition for us. When I was a petite babe, we use to squeeze into my Big Daddy's flat on the west side (Best memories ever) and then when he got older and eventually moved to Florida, the Christmas festivities were at my house. Right after Thanksgiving my mama would sprinkle her magic all over the house. We had THREE Christmas trees and we always had a bougie little Christmas party for all of our friends. (My childhood was pretty dope). Even throughout high school, I would look forward to the continuously ringing bell and the droves of family members in my house. But alas, we all grow up and this post is about Christmas 2011. So anywhoo, its a pretty chill xmas, my precious baby cousins are super enthusiastic about the traditional gift opening at midnight and all in all in was a pretty chill evening, save a few tragic events of course.
 |
| All the xmas stuff in my house is Black, my mama even used brown magic marker on some stuff |
So I don't know how I missed this I truly don't. I think I had still been walking around in a finals coma and my exhaustion prevented me from connecting the dots. The Saber Tooth Tiger had come to our Christmas eve festivities ( Who is the Saber Tooth Tiger? ) Sister connected the dots for me this very evening at dinner. We were all sitting around on Christmas eve watching The Help. Suddenly there was a terrible whiff of cigarette smoke in the house, (Now you know my auntie does not allow smoking in her house, mind you there are babies and a pregnant woman present). This old hag (who had been quite rude to me earlier when I fixed her a plate), went in my aunties bathroom and smoked a filthy cigarette. I couldn't believe it, how rude can you be?? I shouldn't be appalled this is the same 89 year old woman who put her lover (My uncle UW) out of her house because he'd taken to ironing too much. (No you did not misread this, she put the man out for excessive ironing). Like I said before, I had seen the old crow sitting at the card table and I had even spoken to her, I simply did not put two and two together.
 |
| This is mean....but I still thought it was funny |
Other then that, my cousin drooped a baby, Iggy Boy acquired his own leather jacket which he refused to take for the duration of the evening despite the fact that it was boiling and I yelled at my little cousin for claiming that her mother had come up with my mother's dip recipe. (It soon occurred to me that it was pointless to argue with an 8yr old)
The evening continued on in a less ridiculous manner, though some of my aunts did ridicule my hair and asked me how I was going to go to work looking so haggard. ( I suppose my poor feelings were a bit hurt as I've bought several new pairs of large earrings and am considering getting a custom wig made). Anyway, though family can sometimes be emotionally draining it was great to see them.
xoxoxox Chocolate Girl In the City xoxoxoxox
So, I've been in kind of a funk for the last couple of weeks or so. I think its that point in the summer where you really want to just go back to school, and live you "other life" on your own accord. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE Chicago and my friends and family but, this summer has not been the "vacation" that I hoped it would be. SO in an effort to dig myself out of this funk, I took myself on a therapeutic shopping trip and hung out with my girlies. I think that the excessive heat and the day to day tasks that rest solely on me have really added to my irritation. My car and my phone also decided to implode around the same time. But since the weather is cooling, I've decided to put some good karma out into the world and make a list of the things that I'm most looking froward to in the coming months.
1. RETURNING TO NYC: I love New York, its a sexy ass town. Going back there means I get to return to the life that I've built for myself, and to the complete freedom that comes with living alone and making decisions solely for myself without any unwanted input for others.
2. APPLYING TO GRAD SCHOOL: Though I'm not looking forward to taking the GRE (Bleech). I am looking forward to sending off my grad school applications to Columbia, Northwestern, DePaul and of NYU. The end of undergrad is drawing near and I'm excited to see where my life will take me next.
3. INTERNING: I've only had one internship thus far, my sophomore year of college at a non-profit called New York Women In Film and Television (NYWIFT). It was a rewarding experience and it helped my narrow down what I really want to do in the film and television industry. I have a few internship applications lined up for the fall, so I hope that I will be able to snag one of them.
4. WATCH THE THRONE TOUR: If by the grace of God I can snag a ticket, I've opted out of returning home for Thanksgiving in favor of the concert. However, if I can't get one, then family and baked macaroni and cheese is always fab too.
5. MY NEW RESIDENTS: Being a RA is one of the hardest jobs I've ever had, but its also one of the best jobs, and I fell in love with my resies last year. My new ones have some huge shoes to fill, so it should be an exciting year.
6. MY NEW WEAVE:): I've ordered my fall hair and its fab:) Plus I'm always enthusiastic about weave.
Off to for a Sunday afternoon BBQ with the fam BTW if you haven't seen Crazy, Stupid, Love IDK what you're doing with your life <3
 |
| I would have the man's children, like for real <3 |
xoxoxoxox Chocolate Girl In the City
Yesterday, my little sister, bestie and I hauled our bottoms out to the burbs for my cousins husbands annual barbeque birthday bash. They are always hilarious, our families as well as their work family comes together for a twelve hour long shindig. The afternoon started off in rare form of course. I missed my exit on the expressway and a 20-30 min ride turned into an hour and a half extravaganza of my sister and I wanted to stab one another in some sort of 18th century duel. But alas all was well, we found our way to our location and by then I was in dire need of a drink. My beloved three -year baby cousin Iggy boy was munching on an m&m cookie when we arrived, and I asked him to go and get me one. The fooleery that is my life began when he returned with a horrid dry ass oatmeal raisin cookie in the palm of his grubby hand. (Why are oatmeal raisin cookies even made? They taste like death.) After eating the dry cookie to appease the poor babe, the bestie and I made our way to the garage where the food was being served, And to our dismay there he was "The Runnin Man" from K-Town, or at least that's what he told us. A self-proclaimed ladies man who decided it was his duty to be as creepy as possible for the rest of the evening. Upon entering the garage he promptly stared at both of us individually as he looked us up and down. But this wasn't even the worst part, in the heat of the 80 degree weather, this fool had on a three piece leather suit (he'd taken of the jacket to reveal only a leather vest underneath, no shirt -_-) with red gator shoes and a playboy bunny phone case. The man was so ridiculous that we laughed in his face as he went on and on about his escapades with women. The most horrid part was the realization that this man actually took himself seriously, he even forced us to take a picture (luckily he cut my head off in the photo). My other cousin told him that if he took her picture she was gonna punch him in the head. LOL. We spent the rest of the evening avoiding him like the plague. After the rest of my family arrived (3-4 hours late) HIGHlarity ensued. We watched a portion of the show Single Ladies (peep that on VH1 if you haven't already, I swear every black actress, actor and celebrity is on there and the storyline are pretty good), and we ooggled at Stacy Dash's beauty, As my cousin said don't hate "the bitch is fine". We discovered that the only way to tell her age was to look at her neck. LMAO. (But really whose focusing on necks these days?) We also reminisced on the days when one of my cousins use to date a girl with "shark teeth" and how the rest of my cousins use to sing the JAWS theme song whenever she would come around LOL (I never said my family was nice). The topic of conversation shifted to one of my uncles who has an 80 year old "lady friend". My other uncle (who has bug antennas tattooed on his forehead) said "Instead of A Cougar She's A Saber Tooth Tiger" OMG let me tell you after a few jello shots that was about the funniest thing I've ever heard in life. I love to hang out with my family, though we aren't perfect we always find a way to have a good time. When I'm at school for months at a time I realize just how much I love and miss them. After cracking on my uncle's new perm (which makes him look like a crackhead who just entered into the pimping game without enough cash to keep his hair up. Yes its the same uncle with the antenna tattoos) and sneaking my piece of my Auntie B.B. highly coveted pound cake (which has been fought over on numerous occasions). I headed home (this time in the right direction), with my sister and my bestie in tow, stomach full (jerk chicken, ribs, spaghetti, italian sausage, macaroni and cheese, shrimp, my mama's famous dip made by me, green beans, popsicles, corn, etc) with a smile on my face. I think that wherever your family is, is home. And as my mama use to say, "Home is where you're loved the most" I hope everyone else had a lovely father's day weekend.
xoxoxoxo Chocolate Girl In the City **** Time to eat my Auntie B.B. Cake :)*******