Do You Feel Me?

Ever since I finished grad school this time last year, I feel like I’ve been going through a twenty-something life crisis.  2014 was the year that I was supposed to begin “Saying No Others and Yes to Myself.” It was a certainly a difficult lesson to learn. The year started off with quite the bang, thrusting me in the midst of confrontation; a place where I feel most uncomfortable. And yet it ended quietly, with a cup of tea and a good book. Overall. it was a crazy year; full of a lot of tears, a lot of first dates and about fifteen extra pounds.

So what’s happening now? I’m currently on my third job and in many ways I’m not closer to really understanding what it is I want to do. All I seemed to be able to do was figure out the things that I despise. I left my first job after 5 weeks because in my opinion it wasn’t worth the time or energy it took to get up in the morning and go to such a shitastic environment. My second job lasted through the summer and ended with me seeing a therapist regularly. (Lesson learned, if a job is making you feel this way LEAVE, nothing is worth it.)

Now I’m in an environment I like with a position that isn’t quite what I want but overall I’m happy.  I’m getting more opportunities to do the things that I LOVE, I’m already 10lbs lighter than I was at Christmas, and I’ve got some AMAZING travel plans locked down for 2015.

Despite all of this, I still feel unsettled. I feel like I should be doing more, or better or something.  I loathe whiners so I really try not to complain but I feel like this can’t be it right? This can’t be all there is to life.

There is this huge divide between the millennial generation and the generations that have come before us.  Perhaps this is a bit vain to say but fuck it, I’ve personally done everything right. I went to the right schools from high school to grad. I did the right internships and tried to toe the line. But to what end? Getting that job, one that you’re excited to wake up to go to every morning, the one that centers you and gives you purpose and drive seems so out of reach. (Or perhaps its not so out of reach but it won’t pay your rent of your student loans.) There is something profoundly humbling about clutching on to an Ivy League diploma, sending out resume after resume to no avail. 

I think expressing these feelings has been the hardest for me. My sister and other people my age seem to get it, but when I reach up and reach out to the older and the wiser I’m unusually met with. “That’s Life.”  Period, Full sentence. No further explanation needed.

When I hear this I feel rebellious. It’s that same rebellion that got me to constantly defy my mother when I was sixteen and in my first relationship.  “Whose life?!!!” I think.  Literally the thought of this being “life” makes me want to run away and never return. The monotony of office work for the next thirty plus is paralyzing to me. (But then again I am known for my dramatics.) I realize this is what people do, but dare I ask, if you saw another option wouldn’t you have grasped the opportunity and held on tight when it presented itself?

I really don’t know all the answers. I do know what feels right to me and I’m going to go with that. After all, I’ve been doing “everything right” up until this point I think now is the time to take some chances.

Do you feel me?

Xoxoxo Chocolate Girl in the City xoxoxox

I QUIT

How I Felt On Friday Leaving for the LAST Time

http://elitedaily.com/money/the-5-signs-you-dont-belong-in-your-job/

I'd like to assume that I'm a fairly intelligent woman. As I've stated previously, school has always come fairly easily to me. Going with my instincts however, has proven to be a much more precarious task. Perhaps if I'd followed my gut initially, I would have never found myself in such a pickle. But alas, everything happens for a reason.... or at least that's what they tell me.

In early January, I found myself sitting in the longest interview of my life discussing a position that made drying paint look enthralling. As I nodded and told the woman in HR that I'd be interested in the position I realized I was lying to myself and to her. I talked it over with my family and my friends and I pacified my anxieties over the position by saying things like, “You're bills will be covered” (barely) and “It’s a means to an end, a stepping stone if you will.” Still, I couldn't shake the feeling that I was selling myself short, that in the end I would be wildly unhappy with the position. But because I am an adult (or something like an adult), I decided to do the grown up thing and accept the position a month before getting my Master's degree.

If you read my post Working 9 to 5 Just to Stay Alive ,then you know how I felt about this job. There is NOTHING more draining than sitting at a desk all day transferring phone calls for 9 hours. (Yes I said nine hours; this is not a typical "work" day people you're either on a shift from 8-6 or from 10-8 with an hr for lunch). It’s especially difficult for someone who is use to being creative, working on projects or having multiple things to do at once. It has been one of the most draining experiences of my life.

I suppose I've always been rather naïve about the entertainment industry. I’ve dabbled of course but this was my first true experience. It will not be happy memory.  There is very little that grinds my gears more, than people far less competent than I treating me like I'm stupid. Understand that I CANNOT and I WON'T. I have a very low tolerance for these "types" of people and by day three at my former place of employment I had reached my threshold.

Just like a man (or woman (whatever floats your boat)  that you're getting to know, you can pretty much spot any initial red flags pretty early on and it becomes up to you whether or not you would like to proceed. 

Red Flag # 1: I was told on day one that, while at the company anything that you write/ create become the company's property. GIRL BYE. Not this girl's material.

Red Flag # 2: 95% of the Black males in the company are in the mail room. I really can't explain to you the level of irritation that I felt.  These are highly intelligent and highly educated guys. WTF?!

Red Flag # 3: Being treated like a fetch girl. Ain't nobody Patsey in here! Hang up your own coat. Clean the F up after yourself! And no I'm not a garbage disposal do not HAND me your trash unless I offer to take it.

Red Flag # 4 : The place reeks of white privilege and micro aggression and quite frankly I just don't have time.

Red Flag #4.5: We got the newsletter about Black History Month February 21^st  

FEBRUARY FU*KIN 21ST!!!!!!!!!!!!!! They didn't even PRETEND to care! Why even put one out at all ?!!

Red Flag #5: A certain piece of Canadian trash decided to place the office phone number on his twitter contact info. Therefore we were perpetually fielding class from tweens who wanted to speak to said douche bag. (Really no one deserves such a fate.)

The Saturday after my second week of employment, I was standing in a Starbucks waiting for my friend to meet me for a movie. As I stood there, I just kept thinking how miserable I had been all week. How I'd reverted back to my awful habit of eating my feelings and not to mention my attitude was quickly teetering on the line of Angry Black Woman.  As I stood there sipping my non-fat dirty chai I asked myself  WHY?  Why are you doing something that you absolutely DESPISE for 50 hours a week? I hate to say it but I am. I'm better then this. This deserves none of my attention, my anger or my thoughts.  I wouldn't put up with just any man, why and the hell would I put up with just any ole job?!

I've made mistakes in my twenty- three years of life, but to be honest I've pretty much done things by the book. Now is the time for adventure, for discovery and for exploration. This is not the time to bury my misery in chocolate ice cream and Chipotle burritos. When I talked to people about my job many were like, "Oh, is it really that bad?" Well the position is constantly available so why don't you apply and find out?"  I would give anything to take away that unpleasant memory of crying to my baby sister the day I got my Masters...for what?! Over a job?! A job that after taxes barely paid over minimum wage.

I realize that this probably wasn't the smartest thing I've ever done in light of the financial climate and maybe even career wise but that’s the point of being young right? You can start over.

If this miraculous plan of mine doesn't work out (more details to come)  well.... "Kanye Shrug". At least I'm no longer in hell.  

xoxox Chocolate Girl In the City xoxoxoxox

PS: My Current Situation 

Warmth, Happiness & 80 Degrees