Life Is Good

Last Monday I got home from the gym around 8:30pm. I peeled my soaking wet clothes off of my body and dumped them in my hamper (I'm a sweaty person.) and I took a steaming hot shower. After my shower, I wolfed down a bowl of spaghetti that was left over from Sunday evening and tucked myself in bed with my new book.  I realized then as I was picking up my Kindle that I was happy. I am completely satisfied with every aspect in my life and I don't recall the last time I've felt like that. Since the beginning of March I unknowingly made the decision to be an active participant in my life. For the past several years (probably since I ended high school), I felt that things have just happened to me. And they have, many things that have happened weren't in my control, there was no way I could stop the universe from doing its will. Instead, I chose to focus on the things that I could control. There were positives, I basically kicked undergrad in the balls. My grades were bomb.com (DEAN'S LIST) and I got myself in an Ivy for grad school. But there were also other things, I became obsessed with weave, makeup and clothing and I went through a million diets which basically meet that I tried to starve myself.

I guess I was exhausted after that, I kind of just spent the past three years floating around trying to figure out what the heck my life was. At first I had some direction, some sort of end goal in mind. I had to write a full ass thesis and finish my Masters degree, so I did that...but that didn't solve my issues.  I floated from job to job, the first I felt was a waste of life, the second left me anxiety riddled and nervous, and the last bored me to tears.  But life is way too short to just drift about floating, and this past spring I decided that I had more than enough. I was tired of just letting life happen to me. It just made me feel pissed off and pudgy (literally I had a gut).

In March I quit the New York Sports Club that I wasn't going to, (their customer service is absolute garbage anyway so there was no loss there) and I found  a tiny gym around the corner from my apartment. (Black owned!!!) So while I was busting my gut, I decided to try and find a job that I actually liked. I have come to the black ass conclusion that I cannot do a 9 to 5, certainly not one where I'm supposed to be 'helping others', I'm not the best with customer service. I've had three jobs in the last two years. I've done my job in each of those positions to the best of my ability. I've smiled, answered emails and put on my best white girl voice. And yet as time went on, as I trudged out into chilling winds and stifling heats morning after morning and week after week I could feel my soul dying. ( Listen I realize that I'm about as dramatic as possible). I finally started listening to my self, there was no reason to be somewhere if you don't want to be. I hated that I wasn't using my brain, I wasn't being challenged and that deflated any motivation that I had to do the things I love. It's strange I guess, I thrive best when I'm busy doing things I'm passionate about or at the very least doing things that force me to think.

So I went out and found me a job that I love. One that gives me a lot of control over my schedule, a job where I'm actually using my DEGREES in film studies and most importantly one where I don't have to deal with people day in a day out. It's really been a blessing. I get to write about the shows and films that I love and I get to attend screenings and events hopefully fine tuning my writing and getting better at it every day. For the first time in a long time I feel clear, that fogginess that had clogged my mind has dissipated into thin air. I walk around in touch with the world around me, joyful and happy and its more than anything I could have ever hoped for. If there is one thing that I have learned through all of this is that YOU really do know what's best for YOU. YOU don't need permission or opinions to go after your happiness, you simply need courage.

xoxoxo Chocolate Girl in the City xoxoxox

Image: Giphy

Do You Feel Me?

Ever since I finished grad school this time last year, I feel like I’ve been going through a twenty-something life crisis.  2014 was the year that I was supposed to begin “Saying No Others and Yes to Myself.” It was a certainly a difficult lesson to learn. The year started off with quite the bang, thrusting me in the midst of confrontation; a place where I feel most uncomfortable. And yet it ended quietly, with a cup of tea and a good book. Overall. it was a crazy year; full of a lot of tears, a lot of first dates and about fifteen extra pounds.

So what’s happening now? I’m currently on my third job and in many ways I’m not closer to really understanding what it is I want to do. All I seemed to be able to do was figure out the things that I despise. I left my first job after 5 weeks because in my opinion it wasn’t worth the time or energy it took to get up in the morning and go to such a shitastic environment. My second job lasted through the summer and ended with me seeing a therapist regularly. (Lesson learned, if a job is making you feel this way LEAVE, nothing is worth it.)

Now I’m in an environment I like with a position that isn’t quite what I want but overall I’m happy.  I’m getting more opportunities to do the things that I LOVE, I’m already 10lbs lighter than I was at Christmas, and I’ve got some AMAZING travel plans locked down for 2015.

Despite all of this, I still feel unsettled. I feel like I should be doing more, or better or something.  I loathe whiners so I really try not to complain but I feel like this can’t be it right? This can’t be all there is to life.

There is this huge divide between the millennial generation and the generations that have come before us.  Perhaps this is a bit vain to say but fuck it, I’ve personally done everything right. I went to the right schools from high school to grad. I did the right internships and tried to toe the line. But to what end? Getting that job, one that you’re excited to wake up to go to every morning, the one that centers you and gives you purpose and drive seems so out of reach. (Or perhaps its not so out of reach but it won’t pay your rent of your student loans.) There is something profoundly humbling about clutching on to an Ivy League diploma, sending out resume after resume to no avail. 

I think expressing these feelings has been the hardest for me. My sister and other people my age seem to get it, but when I reach up and reach out to the older and the wiser I’m unusually met with. “That’s Life.”  Period, Full sentence. No further explanation needed.

When I hear this I feel rebellious. It’s that same rebellion that got me to constantly defy my mother when I was sixteen and in my first relationship.  “Whose life?!!!” I think.  Literally the thought of this being “life” makes me want to run away and never return. The monotony of office work for the next thirty plus is paralyzing to me. (But then again I am known for my dramatics.) I realize this is what people do, but dare I ask, if you saw another option wouldn’t you have grasped the opportunity and held on tight when it presented itself?

I really don’t know all the answers. I do know what feels right to me and I’m going to go with that. After all, I’ve been doing “everything right” up until this point I think now is the time to take some chances.

Do you feel me?

Xoxoxo Chocolate Girl in the City xoxoxox