Do You Feel Me?

Ever since I finished grad school this time last year, I feel like I’ve been going through a twenty-something life crisis.  2014 was the year that I was supposed to begin “Saying No Others and Yes to Myself.” It was a certainly a difficult lesson to learn. The year started off with quite the bang, thrusting me in the midst of confrontation; a place where I feel most uncomfortable. And yet it ended quietly, with a cup of tea and a good book. Overall. it was a crazy year; full of a lot of tears, a lot of first dates and about fifteen extra pounds.

So what’s happening now? I’m currently on my third job and in many ways I’m not closer to really understanding what it is I want to do. All I seemed to be able to do was figure out the things that I despise. I left my first job after 5 weeks because in my opinion it wasn’t worth the time or energy it took to get up in the morning and go to such a shitastic environment. My second job lasted through the summer and ended with me seeing a therapist regularly. (Lesson learned, if a job is making you feel this way LEAVE, nothing is worth it.)

Now I’m in an environment I like with a position that isn’t quite what I want but overall I’m happy.  I’m getting more opportunities to do the things that I LOVE, I’m already 10lbs lighter than I was at Christmas, and I’ve got some AMAZING travel plans locked down for 2015.

Despite all of this, I still feel unsettled. I feel like I should be doing more, or better or something.  I loathe whiners so I really try not to complain but I feel like this can’t be it right? This can’t be all there is to life.

There is this huge divide between the millennial generation and the generations that have come before us.  Perhaps this is a bit vain to say but fuck it, I’ve personally done everything right. I went to the right schools from high school to grad. I did the right internships and tried to toe the line. But to what end? Getting that job, one that you’re excited to wake up to go to every morning, the one that centers you and gives you purpose and drive seems so out of reach. (Or perhaps its not so out of reach but it won’t pay your rent of your student loans.) There is something profoundly humbling about clutching on to an Ivy League diploma, sending out resume after resume to no avail. 

I think expressing these feelings has been the hardest for me. My sister and other people my age seem to get it, but when I reach up and reach out to the older and the wiser I’m unusually met with. “That’s Life.”  Period, Full sentence. No further explanation needed.

When I hear this I feel rebellious. It’s that same rebellion that got me to constantly defy my mother when I was sixteen and in my first relationship.  “Whose life?!!!” I think.  Literally the thought of this being “life” makes me want to run away and never return. The monotony of office work for the next thirty plus is paralyzing to me. (But then again I am known for my dramatics.) I realize this is what people do, but dare I ask, if you saw another option wouldn’t you have grasped the opportunity and held on tight when it presented itself?

I really don’t know all the answers. I do know what feels right to me and I’m going to go with that. After all, I’ve been doing “everything right” up until this point I think now is the time to take some chances.

Do you feel me?

Xoxoxo Chocolate Girl in the City xoxoxox

Waiting On My Life to Begin?

Last Sunday, Prospect Park Dreamin'

I remember in high school I always believed that my "real" life would begin in college. I arrived at my university with bright dreams and grandiose assumptions and once I realized it wasn't all that I thought it would be I figured that my life would begin after college, once I found my footing in the real world. I delayed my entrance into the "real world" by attending graduate school (school was my hustle, I could be in school forever). My first forte into total adulthood was short-lived. I said yes to the first position that was offered to me and then quit it shortly thereafter. (You can read HERE to find out why.) It was after this fairly monumental decision that I realized all assumptions were incorrect. There I was quickly approaching my mid-twenties and still I was funemployed, waiting to begin my life. I normally think I'm more self-aware then this but clearly I was being asshole. A little over a month ago about I decided to start living my life. No I didn't have full time employment but I'm was doing OK freelancing. There's a few huge projects that I'm working on and just because I wasn't receiving a biweekly paycheck I had lots to be proud of. I started focusing on all that I had accomplished despite the obstacles thrown at me.

So I started saying YES to myself which was my resolution for 2014. (You can read that post HERE.) I had already put my mental health and personal well-being high up in my priorities by quitting my job and focusing on my talents and other real goals. Now all I had to do was do that in my social life.

It's so easy to say NO. Saying no means u can stay in your comfort zone. (For me that means in my apartment with my Kindle.) But imagine all of the incredible opportunities that would come your way by saying yes. Saying yes, has changed my outlook and my perspective. Am I ever gonna be the one that enjoys getting plastered and bar hopping until 4 in the morn? Probably not, I'm an old soul and I enjoy sleep way to much. But I also recognize some of the best days of my life have ended with the sun coming up.

So what have I gotten out of saying yes? I've gotten my life :) Just in this past month and a half or so I've gotten more opportunities then I've ever remember getting. My summer is going to be full of concerts and shows, traveling, brunches, park days, friends, family and so much more. This is all happening because I decided that this, RIGHT NOW is my LIFE. My real life, this is it. So for me there will be no more waiting around, no more hiding. I'm just gonna embrace things as they come. As much as I want to curl into myself and get lost in a book I certainly can't sit back and act like that's the best or even the healthiest thing do.

No I haven't achieved everything that I want to do at this point I haven't traveled abroad, read the Game of Thrones series ,or even had epic love but I'm certainly gonna relax a bit and embrace all the things I have done and say yes to every wonderful thing that I've achieved myself.

I read somewhere that the biggest disservice that this generation (my generation) is doing to itself is thinking that we have to have it all together in our twenties. We already put a crap load of pressure on ourselves and it becomes even more stifling when you have your parents and family hovering around your neck whilst you look at your friends and peers achieve greatness. But your know what? Your fan-fuckintastic. This is your life to live! U have to do things and make choices that are going to fulfill U and make you happy in the long run.

Start living because even if you didn't realize it, your "real" life has long since begun.

xoxoxo Chocolate Girl in the City xoxoxoxox

Pretending To Be An Adult: 10 Ways To Fake It Until You Make It

"Like many of you, I enjoy my autonomy without really relishing in the true meaning of being an adult. “Adult,” what a prickly word. It’s a word riddled with responsibilities, 401(k)s and other stuff I don’t quite understand. So, instead of claiming full-on adulthood, I’ve settled into this lovely state of pretending to be an adult. I’ve outlined 10 ways to successfully fake adulthood until you actually have to claim that you are one (I’m assuming that comes around age 30)."

Read The Entire Post Here at EliteDaily.Com

xoxoxox Chocolate Girl In the City xoxoxox