Do You Feel Me?
Ever since I finished grad school this time last year, I feel like I’ve been going through a twenty-something life crisis. 2014 was the year that I was supposed to begin “Saying No Others and Yes to Myself.” It was a certainly a difficult lesson to learn. The year started off with quite the bang, thrusting me in the midst of confrontation; a place where I feel most uncomfortable. And yet it ended quietly, with a cup of tea and a good book. Overall. it was a crazy year; full of a lot of tears, a lot of first dates and about fifteen extra pounds.
So what’s happening now? I’m currently on my third job and in many ways I’m not closer to really understanding what it is I want to do. All I seemed to be able to do was figure out the things that I despise. I left my first job after 5 weeks because in my opinion it wasn’t worth the time or energy it took to get up in the morning and go to such a shitastic environment. My second job lasted through the summer and ended with me seeing a therapist regularly. (Lesson learned, if a job is making you feel this way LEAVE, nothing is worth it.)
Now I’m in an environment I like with a position that isn’t quite what I want but overall I’m happy. I’m getting more opportunities to do the things that I LOVE, I’m already 10lbs lighter than I was at Christmas, and I’ve got some AMAZING travel plans locked down for 2015.
Despite all of this, I still feel unsettled. I feel like I should be doing more, or better or something. I loathe whiners so I really try not to complain but I feel like this can’t be it right? This can’t be all there is to life.
There is this huge divide between the millennial generation and the generations that have come before us. Perhaps this is a bit vain to say but fuck it, I’ve personally done everything right. I went to the right schools from high school to grad. I did the right internships and tried to toe the line. But to what end? Getting that job, one that you’re excited to wake up to go to every morning, the one that centers you and gives you purpose and drive seems so out of reach. (Or perhaps its not so out of reach but it won’t pay your rent of your student loans.) There is something profoundly humbling about clutching on to an Ivy League diploma, sending out resume after resume to no avail.
I think expressing these feelings has been the hardest for me. My sister and other people my age seem to get it, but when I reach up and reach out to the older and the wiser I’m unusually met with. “That’s Life.” Period, Full sentence. No further explanation needed.
When I hear this I feel rebellious. It’s that same rebellion that got me to constantly defy my mother when I was sixteen and in my first relationship. “Whose life?!!!” I think. Literally the thought of this being “life” makes me want to run away and never return. The monotony of office work for the next thirty plus is paralyzing to me. (But then again I am known for my dramatics.) I realize this is what people do, but dare I ask, if you saw another option wouldn’t you have grasped the opportunity and held on tight when it presented itself?
I really don’t know all the answers. I do know what feels right to me and I’m going to go with that. After all, I’ve been doing “everything right” up until this point I think now is the time to take some chances.
Do you feel me?
Xoxoxo Chocolate Girl in the City xoxoxox