This past winter was the black ass worst, as I’m sure many of you poor souls experienced. Usually, I can hang on to my good cheer until just after Valentine’s Day, but this year I was pretty much in a funk by Christmas Morning. When my mother was still alive, Christmas was always this huge event for us. She was obsessed with decorating the house and having people come over. Some of the best memories (and photographs) that I have are of Christmas time in my childhood home. I’ve been thru four Christmases without her and they’ve been ok, not the same but still cheerful in their own right. This Christmas however, was a rough one. I think the negative energy that I got from the holidays came back with me to NYC and even lingered into the springtime.
I found myself layering up, covering myself not just from the brutal winds of winter but also from the world in general. I was exhausted. Tired from grad school, over my job and over “being strong”. I stopped going to the gym, seamless became my best friend and books became my favorite companions. In retrospect, I haven’t been that miserable in quite some time. Thankfully, I stopped feeling sorry for myself and decided to get myself together. My job had to go, my sissy brought me new running shoes and I carried my now softer bottom to Trader Joes and back to the gym.
I think what got me together was recognizing my vulnerability. I’m rather Type A so I quite enjoy being in control of things. Understandably there are things that you cannot change but taking the reigns and controlling what you can is vitally important. I was reading a book where the author said, “Think back to any man who ever treated you badly and think where your self-esteem was right before you met him.” It may not seem like all that of a profound statement to you, but it kicked me into high gear REAL quick. I’m not ever in my Black ass life trying to go down that road again.
When you’re feeling down and out, you guard is down and you are more likely than not to accept just any old foolishness in your life. Predators (pretend friends, fuckboys and general life suckers), seek out vulnerable people. I knew this which is why I was layering, hiding and covering but my without a healthy shield of self esteem all of this layering would prove to be worthless. The first thing I had to do was get my mind right. Once your are in the proper frame of mind you can pretty much do whatever you want. Why do I have to weigh myself everyday and beat myself up over a number? Why do I have to layer my clothing making sure I hit the two inches above the knee rule? Why do I have to hide in my queen size bead under the covers with my Kindle and my teddy, making excuses instead of just showing up? The world is a frightening ass place. Trust me I know this, but being cowardice is not going to change this fact.
As one of my idols says, shit happens and its ok to get down about it, we're all humans we are allowed that but you can't use that as an excuse to stay down.
"It's ALWAYS too early to give up."
xoxoxo Chocolate Girl in the City xoxoxoxo