"I’m Just Human, Don’t Judge Me" On Vulnerability and Self-Esteem

This past winter was the black ass worst, as I’m sure many of you poor souls experienced. Usually, I can hang on to my good cheer until just after Valentine’s Day, but this year I was pretty much in a funk by Christmas Morning.  When my mother was still alive, Christmas was always this huge event for us. She was obsessed with decorating the house and having people come over. Some of the best memories (and photographs) that I have are of Christmas time in my childhood home. I’ve been thru four Christmases without her and they’ve been ok, not the same but still cheerful in their own right. This Christmas however, was a rough one. I think the negative energy that I got from the holidays came back with me to NYC and even lingered into the springtime.

I found myself layering up, covering myself not just from the brutal winds of winter but also from the world in general. I was exhausted. Tired from grad school, over my job and over “being strong”. I stopped going to the gym, seamless became my best friend and books became my favorite companions. In retrospect, I haven’t been that miserable in quite some time. Thankfully, I stopped feeling sorry for myself and decided to get myself together. My job had to go,  my sissy brought me new running shoes and I carried my now softer bottom to Trader Joes and back to the gym.

I think what got me together was recognizing my vulnerability. I’m rather Type A so I quite enjoy being in control of things. Understandably there are things that you cannot change but taking the reigns and controlling what you can is vitally important.  I was reading a book where the author said, “Think back to any man who ever treated you badly and think where your self-esteem was right before you met him.” It may not seem like all that of a profound statement to you, but it kicked me into high gear REAL quick.  I’m not ever in my Black ass life trying to go down that road again.

When you’re feeling down and out, you guard is down and you are more likely than not to accept just any old foolishness in your life.  Predators (pretend friends, fuckboys and general life suckers), seek out vulnerable people. I knew this which is why I was layering, hiding and covering but my without a healthy shield of self esteem all of this layering would prove to be worthless. The first thing I had to do was get my mind right. Once your are in the proper frame of mind you can pretty much do whatever you want.  Why do I have to weigh myself everyday and beat myself up over a number? Why do I have to layer my clothing making sure I hit the two inches above the knee rule? Why do  I have to hide in my queen size bead under the covers with my Kindle and my teddy, making excuses instead of just showing up?  The world is a frightening ass place. Trust me I know this, but being cowardice is not going to change this fact.

As one of my idols says, shit happens and its ok to get down about it, we're all humans we are allowed that but you can't use that as an excuse to stay down.

"It's ALWAYS too early to give up."

xoxoxo Chocolate Girl in the City xoxoxoxo

Wear That Bikini Girl

Summer 2011

No body’s perfect. Despite perpetually repeating this mantra over and over again in my head, there are days when I'm really not the biggest fan of my body. I have one too many stretch marks or one too many dimples in my booty. I’ve had times when I’ve tried on everything in my closet and I’ve hated the way I’ve looked in everything I’ve owned. Luckily, those days are far and few between and it's all because of a bikini.

Prior to the summer I turned twenty-one, I hadn’t worn a bikini since I’d acquired boobs.  I hit puberty around the age of twelve. When you think about it, it’s a very cruel time, dealing with bodily changes and functions and having to attend middle school. It was certainly a rough time for me and as I developed, I was uncomfortable with my new body.  Throughout middle school and into high school I covered my thick thighs and legs with jeans; wearing skirts and shorts were a rarity for me. When I did go to the beach, I wore a tankini and a cover up. I was sure that it was only appropriate for very slim women and girls to let it all hang out in bikinis.

This all changed the summer I turned twenty-one. After showing a couple of my friends a new tankini I was hoping to purchase, they looked at me in disbelief. They were so alarmed that at twenty-one I was planning on wearing such a thing to the beach. Apparently, I had committed an egregious fashion faux pas.  I was annoyed at the time because both of my friends were a lot smaller than me, fitting into more “acceptable” (by society’s standards) body types.

A few weeks later as I meandered around H&M I stumbled upon the swimsuit section.  I considered my friends appalled reaction to my tankini, and I remembered my mother telling me than I better where whatever it is that I want while I was still young enough to do so. I purchased the bikini (size 10. I'm a solid size 8 now three years later.) and threw it in the back of my drawer when I returned home.

I pulled the bikini out for my first trip to the beach that summer. I’ll admit that I kept my shorts on at first, but I gradually got more comfortable as the summer wore on.

I really don’t enjoy when my body is ogled so it’s very rare that I wear what can be deemed as provocative clothing. However, taking off my cover up and letting my body be what it is really boosted my self-confidence.  I became more comfortable in my own skin, despite my imperfections. I began running and being more conscious about what I ate (most of the time).

Bikinis don’t allow you to hide, and surprisingly they are rather flattering.  I haven’t ventured into wearing string bikinis but I have regular bikinis as well as high waist 1950’s style bikinis, which are flattering to most body types.

When you are comfortable with your body, no matter what size or shape it is, you become more comfortable with yourself in general. Nothing is sexier than confidence.  I know it seems far-fetched but a bikini really changed how I feel about myself, I’m comfortable with my bumps and ridges and with the scar that was left behind after my failed belly piercing.  My outfits are bolder, I’m more flirty and though I may not be perfect my confidence is at an all time high.

2014, hopefully it'll soon be warm enough to be at somebody's beach or pool

So my advice to all women is, "Wear that bikini girl, because if not now, then when?"

xoxoxox Chocolate Girl In the City xoxoxoxox