How Did I Get Here? On Being Melancholy
|Sometimes it feels like the world is a shiny ball of poo|
I’m mostly happy I would say a good 90% of my days are filled with laughter and joy, fashionable clothing and delicious foods. And for that I am forever grateful. I’ve never been clinically depressed or had any mental or emotional illnesses. I’m thankful because I never knew how strong I could be until there was no other option. But there are days like today when I slip into a melancholy state. Its usually abrupt, I wake up have my morning coffee, the sun is shining into my tiny apartment and all seems right in my world. Until it’s not.
I really wanted to go to an event that was happening and literally none of my friends were able to join me. Now I don’t have a problem doing things alone, in fact I’ve labeled myself an introverted extravert, but this was just not one of those events that I couldn’t attend solo. So there isn’t much on my agenda today and normally I’m content but then my friend and I were chatting and he asked me about my happiest memory, and I thought about my childhood and my parents and the things that I once had and what I’ve since lost. Before I knew it the tears started rolling (I’m usually not a crier) and the melancholy set in.
Here’s the thing about melancholy, it will make you question all of your decisions. Yesterday I was content in my life, in my situation and even this morning I was feeling blessed and free. But suddenly just like, that I wondered am I wasting my time? Am I really living like I should be at 23? Is NYC where I’m supposed to be? Was quitting the best decision for me? Why do I feel like I haven’t experienced anything? I’ll admit that that’s partially my fault. I’m not a huge party/drinker/bar girl but I like to hope that I’m moderately sociable. I haven’t gone out much lately because quite frankly after getting in from work I would be EXHAUSTED and the weather was atrocious. However, I also won’t sit here and pretend that I haven’t turned down outings on perfectly sunny days where I felt well rested and free.
So what is it? What do I fear? What am I missing out on? Or is all of this fear simply the fear of missing out? I think part of it is. I genuinely don’t enjoy clubbing I have had a small handful of nights out at clubs that have been epic but more often then not, I’ve been groped,, spent too much money and sat on the side calculating how much longer I had to stay until I could race home to my kindle. Part of it was my self-esteem and my lack of initiative (but those are thoughts for another post).
But I think a lot of it, which I’m just now fingering out, and goes back to why I can’t sleep if my apartment is too messy is the lack of control. So much in my life has been out of control in the past few years and as I’m coming into a period of stability (please GOD let this be a period of stability), I still can’t let go of that feeling of feeling out of control. That’s what nightlife and being sociable is right? You have to break out of your comfort zone. You’re not eating dinner at your normal hour, your workout nay be thrown off or may not happened at all. That feeling of being out of control, of going with the flow has been extremely difficult for me to deal with.
So I’m sitting here, in this melancholy mood (luckily not with my face stuck in a pint of ice cream). But I feel restless, unsettled, irritated with myself. I know I need to be better, do better about keeping up with people, saying YES to myself which means saying yes to the things I’m afraid of. So by the time you read this I’ll probably be in the “happiest place on earth” perhaps that will hopefully give me some perspective. I'm headed out to prowl. And hopefully some stuff I’ve been working on shall see the light of day shortly.
Meh…this is me in my feelings, please ignore me.
xoxoxoxo Chocolate Girl In the City xoxoxoxoxoxo